Haven’t seen Marc in three whole weeks…he’s been away at some family place, gettin’ wasted and smoking weed.
Nice.

Course we’ve been texting, but I’ve been a bit sloppy with my replies on account of the fact that I’m just not much of a texter and they seem a bit hollow when they repeat the same thing OVER and OVER and over etc… know what I mean? Just the usual would be:

“Miss you so so so much, wish you were here, I really love you xxxxx”

Nice enough, and indeed it makes me feel loved, but sometimes I think that’s all that needs to be said and so I will only reply once. 
However, now he’s complaining about me not texting him…

When I text he takes like ages to reply sometimes, but I dunno if that’s because I don’t exactly reply quickly, but I DO have an excuse! I happen to be an extremely-extremely slow texter! The buttons and letters? Yeah they just like fly around infront of my face, leaving me dazed for about ten minutes whilst I’m searching for the ‘B’ or whatever…

 Actually, all of my friends are away atm, minus ONE, and every time I’m with her I just suggest drinking, because it’s a way to pass the time…and makes my mood much better.
Thing is, hiding behind drink (especially since I’m underaged) because I keep getting depressed over everything that’s happened (The Phil thing, I thought it would have gone by now! But no…sometimes I even want to plead for him to take me back. I won’t let myself do that of course.) I need to just somehow let go and be happy with what I HAVE!

But I’m not even sure what I have any more… I’m just getting so confused over everything, can’t get my head straight!

On a brighter note, I bought tickets to a Battle Of The Bands style concert called “Music Quest.” The winning band recieves a thousand squiddlies and they open for some band which I have NEVER EVER EVER heard off. So that should be fun, and it give me something to look forward too. My twin insists I’m gonna meet someone there, I doubt it since I have a feeling most people will be significantly older than us (all 15, tho we can all pass for older..usually) plus I just couldn’t cheat on Marc! No way no how! I am NOT going down that road! I’m happy with Marc anyway, it’s just that we’ve been apart too long for it to be healthy…but that’ll all be fine when we are reunited! I hope.

 HAVE I MENTIONED HOW BORED AND LONELY I AM?!
Also! My parents have totally been on my case! Just the icing on the f*ckin’ cake…*sigh*

It’s the summer holidays! Woo!

Here’s what happened during the previous weeks: Phil flirted with my twin sister infront of me to intentionally hurt me. 
Marc tried to KILL Phil once everything was out in the open.
Got seriously wasted at a friends house, which made Marc very worried about me and he kept texting to see if I was alright (I can’t remember so I’m using what a friend has retold me) then what does HE go and do? 
Gets wasted and does drugs.
I sure know how to pick em eh? Well the thing is, I don’t mind what he does as long as he’s 1) alive and 2) loyal, but when he texts me to say how stoned he is it DOES make me really worried! He told me he was going clean, he told a lot of people he was…and now he’s worse than ever. I haven’t seen him for around ten days and it has been ten L O N G days, he’s been away yasee so I can’t go see him or anything, and I really miss him so much, I never thought it would be this hard not seeing him..I mean we’ve only been going out for just over TWO MONTHS now! So surely I shouldn’t mind too much right?

Oh, something else that happened. I went to the doctors the week before leaving school, for most of this year I’ve been experiencing severe stomach pains and now I’ve finally gotten my diagnosis of what’s wrong!
Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. PCOS. 
And the words which echo in my head? “You’ll find it extremely difficult to conceive children.” 

I know I’m only turning sixteen so I certainly am not thinking about having kids at the moment! Not to mention how much I HATE KIDS! But it was a real blow to me, great that I finally know what’s WRONG…but…I just never thought it would be something like this, I thought maybe a virus or something which could be cleared up! 

But nope. PCOS….wonderful. Been put on the pill for it, erm..whoop? Not…my parents have been acting like now I’m gonna go out and have raging sex with everyone, not fun.

Well, it would be fun… but you get what I mean lol. 
If I said it was hard to come to terms with, I’d be lying. What WAS hard to come to terms with is the fact that my sister has THE SAME THING! 
She LOVES kids! It’s just not FAIR! She doesn’t deserve this! It’s just one fucking blow after the other and my parents won’t TALK ABOUT IT! They act like nothings wrong, nothing’s going on.. just “She’s ill so she’s taking a tablet to make her normal.” Oh nice. Very nice! Ffs.
Best of all? It’s all around the school that ‘I’ have it! Not about my sister…and I’ll make sure that that doesn’t get around! It was my own fault it got out about me, I was looking for pity to prove to myself that people cared and I confided in the wrong so-called ‘friends. But the same mistake will NOT be made with my sister. She doesn’t deserve that sort of publicity, it wouldn’t be healthy for her…and hell it’s hard enough to get her to go to school as it IS! So I’m just hoping that the whole thing will have blown over next term. *fingers crossed*

 Everything just HAS to be complicated it seems… 

Got some mock-mock exam results, they don’t seem too bad so I can just about hold off the suicide for a while, then did my mock-mock-art exam, three hours long..jeez. I thought that was a BIT extensive for a time allowance, but it turns out it was just enough time, since we got a 15 minute break after the first hour which no one expected. I got quite into it, which was a relief since Phil was sitting across the room and I needed something to keep my focus… no we didn’t talk or anything. That’s sorta the problem.

He STILL seems to think I fancie a mate of mine and frankly it is seriously starting to piss me off, the second I got home he started interogating me.

Phil: I see you like J and want him, yeah?
Me: no
Phil: you DO want him
Me: I don’t, he’s a friend..that’s ALL.
Phil: No you love him and want him, I can see it
Me: No I don’t, I could never love him. And I definately don’t want him, that’s sickening.
Phil:I suppose sitting beside him in art , talking n talking , lauging and smiling at him isnt meaning you love him ? You stared at him all the time, but dnt worry you can have him and I’ll be outa ya life soon don’t worry tho.

Ughhh! Come ON! I do NOT fancie him! And Phil was facing AWAY from me for most of the exam! He’s always jumping to conclusions.. why should HE care anyway?! HE has his GIRLFRIEND!

Oh great, now I’m hungry…better go drown my sorrows in chocolate and comfort eat.

No..must..resist! I’ll just keep typing to destract myself.. hmm mm mmm…

Marc has been AWESOME lately, he seems to be the only one who can actually cheer me up and forget everything that’s been going on. But I need to keep in mind that I’m on the rebound right now..so any decisions made have to be thought over.

Then again, everyone is telling me to go for it!

But I don’t even think I DO fancie him, he’s a great, amazin’ guy and all..but I think I just see him as a good mate. I don’t even know anymore! 

Hmm, well Phil seems to be talking to me again. Didn’t go too well, somehow he’s gotten badly hurt (My conclusion is that he got jumped maybe?) Told me all about his new air-rifle..oh and how he could use it to end his life if he wanted to or if I wanted him to after all he’s done to me, nice.

For some reason, he INSISTS that he’s holding me back. Err..holding me back from WHAT might I ask? Hell without him I don’t have much to get me up in the morning, and I’m pessimistic enough to ADMITT that!
And try as I might to tell him this, he won’t believe that he is actually HELPING me move forwards with my life. I have some major trust issues, especially when it comes to boys..when I’m with them I won’t let them touch me..just ugh no touchie!
And of course this usually leads to the death of said relationship.

But it was..DIFFERENT with Phil, I LIKED being with him, I LOVED being close to him, and cuddling with him was just amazing, I don’t get hugged alot (yeah yeah poor me) infact, I don’t usually get hugged at ALL, or shown any affection, especially at home. But then HE came along…

In the end I got just SO frustrated with him that I blurted out all about an asshole of an ex-boyfriend whom I had been in love with for FOUR YEARS, even though he messed me around something shockin’!  And here, my friends, was Phil’s reply.

Phil: Shit…
Phil: I g2g now, might cya and ttyl.
Me: Okay, cya.

And then..I chanced it.

Me: I still love you xxxx

No response. He went offline. Dammit.
So now I’m wonderin’ what the HELL I am doing! Does he like me anymore?! His reactions are sorta pointing to the answer I least want to hear.

HELP!  

Yeah so almost completed all of my exams, studied for exactly NONE.

Well what can you expect? I haven’t been able to get Phil out of my head! He hasn’t talked to me since saturday, it’s Monday now. I know it’s only like a day bu-

Omg.. FINALLY! HE’S TALKING TO ME!

As if it’ll make a difference.. I’m not his girl. SHE is.

Yeah so I’ve just started this blog since I figured I needed another creative outlet, since my parents were startin’ to get a LIL pissy about all the pages I’ve been leaving around the house with my doodlies on them.  Dum di dum dum…

Up until about a month ago, I never really had much of a ‘love life’ I dunno guys always went for my twin sister, Tiff*. She’s got model looks and that’s not even me exagerating. Hell I look like her, but the no-make-up/messy-hair/boy-clothes/tomboy type…and she’s the opposite, as girlie as can be and loving it! (Seems her admirers love it too).

But then, Phil* came along.

I just started my GCSE year of school, and being an ‘art-freak’ I of COURSE picked art! We got separated into two art classes, and I got into one with all my mates (who are all ex-boyfriends too) plus Tiff, and a female friend called Rachel*. More the majority of the year we didn’t pay much attention to the three guys and one er..girl (?) no one knew, and that was fine since they all stuck with eachother.

But then our art class had to paint the scenery for the school play, which was ‘High School Musical’ I REALLY hate that movie! And as if that wasn’t bad enough, I was IN it! As Kelsi Neilson, some wee piana chick who sucks up to everyone and takes all the credit at the end…yeah it’s just cus I’m SHORT!

So anyway, whilst we had many adventures painting the scenery (I’ll update ya’ll on them if asked to) I kept getting thrown together with Phil, and we SERIOUSLY got our flirts on!!! The flirting continued for seriously months (sad. I know) and I found out from..erm..Emma* (The one who we weren’t sure if she was a guy or not) filled me in on him, and..dun dun dunnn..his GIRLFRIEND.

I didn’t believe he HAD one until I asked the man himself, course turns out he was telling the truth, but I saw no harm in flirting since sources told me that it was an ONLINE girl he had going!  Thus not a reaaal girlfriend..well okay..not really.

NOW, skip a few months on.

Sitting at home on MSN, a message popped up from Phil.

Phil: Kez, who do you fancie?
Me: Why?
Phil: Just tell me.
Me: No. I can’t.
Phil: Why NOT? Go on just tell me!

And it went ON and ON and ON, until finally I couldn’t take it anymore and saaaiid…

Me: Okay, maybe I fancie YOU! But you have a girlfriend so it doesn’t matter.
Phil: No, you fancie James* don’tcha? Anyways I’m ugly.

James is a mate of mine whom is ALSO in my art class, I have never went out with him, I don’t see him that way so I have NO idea what made Phil think this…

Me: Ew! No I DON’T! He’s my mate and that’s all! You aren’t ugly, you’re kinda hott.

Oh how SMOOOTH am I? Uh NOT!
The conversation continued until I was forced off the comp at like ten o’clock, even though it was a Friday… And I’d started to REALLY regret what I’d said, since he hadn’t said anything BACK to hint that he liked me back. Tiff comforted me during our nightly chat, insisting that everyone in our art class knew he fancied me. I was NOT convinced.

Logging onto MSN the next morning after returning home from being dragged to my grans house where I was harrassed by five year olds, an offline message popped up.

Phil: Kez, I don’t know why you would like me, I’m an ugly mess and a screw up.          And you’re perfect..but..I love you xxx

Think he came on a little strongly? NO! I was thrilled! He was all I had wanted for MONTHS! MONTHS! FINALLY!

But then as I told Tiff the good news, she pointed out something that would set my life up for what has happened now.

“What about his girlfriend?”

As me and Phil got talking, I realised just how deep my feelings had grown for him, and he would come up with seriously sweet things to say…which I still have a suspicion that they came from Google..but it’s the thought that counts right?

We went on to have this secret relationship, didn’t do much except chat since neither me nor him have much of a social life to speak of, no one really does in Lisburn (where I live, funnily enough) and our interests were quite different: He liked footie, I didn’t..he was a master gamer, I just shot blindly and hoped everyone would go away…he listened to hard core rave, I prefer ROCK music. But somehow we still managed to be together, despite the fact that he constantly insisted I either fancied someone else and was too good for him, and that my darling twin wanted to break his leg (so did my other friends for that matter).

Everyone who knew about my ‘dirty little secret’ with Phil insisted that he was using me, and I admit…I did and still do sorta wonder if he was just playing games. But our feelings grew into love, deep/firey/burning/uncontrollable love and it got to the point that I couldn’t even LOOK at him without smiling!

But Phil didn’t smile that much at all…

My favourite thing in the world, was being with him and when I was away from him or couldn’t contact him, it really was lonely for me…people just didn’t understand how I felt about him, insisting I should get out whilst I still could, before I got hurt.

He promised he’d never hurt me. Ever. And I believed him.

The the Lord Mayors Parade happened.
I had sorta blown off some mates to be with Pip that day, one of the many sacrifices that I had made for him, course he hadn’t done the same for me.

Arriving HALF AN HOUR LATE, I was about to leave and he walked RIGHT PAST ME! I was furious, but for some stupid reason I stayed and waited…then he appeared, muttering excuses about having things to do whilst we left for the town square. He wanted to find a friend, we did so, and suddenly it turned into a threesome *rolls eyes* I liked and still do like the guy Chad* who was with us, he was fun to be with and Phil got on really, really well with him. Course this meant that I got pushed out..like..ALOT. I felt a bit fed up, until Chad decided to go on a ride in the theme park that is set up in Wallace Park, EVERY. SINGLE. BLOODY. YEAR. (!) And me and Phil went for ‘walkies’ to do er..couple things  until Chad was finished and suspicious of why we were both (well more me, Phil isn’t a happy guy) suddenly all smiley.

We waited about ten minutes, until Chad got destracted by some skinny wimps beating the shit out of eachother at an amateur boxing..thing, and then after spending a few dreary minutes making fun of the boxers, me and Phil did some pretty serious ‘couple stuff’ in the middle of a huge crowd, and NO ONE NOTICED! I’d never done anything like what we’d done before, so I wasn’t used to it, but I was okay and ended up drunk on lurrrrve <3 I still can’t believe that no one noticed…it was the best day of my LIFE!

Course, all good things must come to an end, right?

At the end of the day, we kissed goodbye and I walked home (much to Chad’s distaste..he worries too much that something will happen to a small girl like me…but HA I’d feel sorry for anyone who TRIED to grab me!) I got home and went on MSN, immediately messages popped up from Phil.

Phil: Hey
Me: Hiya
Phil: Enjoy 2day?
Me: Hell yeah
Phil: I don’t think we should see eachother as BF/GF anymore.

Okay, WHAT THE HELL?! I told him I love him face-to-face for the FIRST time that day and then..THIS!

Me: Why?
Phil: Cus Chad told my gf, and now I feel guilty. We can still cuddle..etc..as friends.

I know I know, I should have just told him where to go right?
But…
I just couldn’t do it! He had become SO special to me and I just couldn’t let him go…
Yeah I know, I’m a stupid asshole.. I know..
And it’s true.

So then his girl started Beboing me, finding the comments that we had sent eachother and giving it the whole ‘woe is me’ act, she had every right to do it too.
But Phil stopped talking to me the second she contacted me.
I think he blocked me on msn too.

Great. Now this all leaves me alone.

(To be continued folks! Being forced off by MAAATHER..)