Yeah so I’ve just started this blog since I figured I needed another creative outlet, since my parents were startin’ to get a LIL pissy about all the pages I’ve been leaving around the house with my doodlies on them.  Dum di dum dum…

Up until about a month ago, I never really had much of a ‘love life’ I dunno guys always went for my twin sister, Tiff*. She’s got model looks and that’s not even me exagerating. Hell I look like her, but the no-make-up/messy-hair/boy-clothes/tomboy type…and she’s the opposite, as girlie as can be and loving it! (Seems her admirers love it too).

But then, Phil* came along.

I just started my GCSE year of school, and being an ‘art-freak’ I of COURSE picked art! We got separated into two art classes, and I got into one with all my mates (who are all ex-boyfriends too) plus Tiff, and a female friend called Rachel*. More the majority of the year we didn’t pay much attention to the three guys and one er..girl (?) no one knew, and that was fine since they all stuck with eachother.

But then our art class had to paint the scenery for the school play, which was ‘High School Musical’ I REALLY hate that movie! And as if that wasn’t bad enough, I was IN it! As Kelsi Neilson, some wee piana chick who sucks up to everyone and takes all the credit at the end…yeah it’s just cus I’m SHORT!

So anyway, whilst we had many adventures painting the scenery (I’ll update ya’ll on them if asked to) I kept getting thrown together with Phil, and we SERIOUSLY got our flirts on!!! The flirting continued for seriously months (sad. I know) and I found out from..erm..Emma* (The one who we weren’t sure if she was a guy or not) filled me in on him, and..dun dun dunnn..his GIRLFRIEND.

I didn’t believe he HAD one until I asked the man himself, course turns out he was telling the truth, but I saw no harm in flirting since sources told me that it was an ONLINE girl he had going!  Thus not a reaaal girlfriend..well okay..not really.

NOW, skip a few months on.

Sitting at home on MSN, a message popped up from Phil.

Phil: Kez, who do you fancie?
Me: Why?
Phil: Just tell me.
Me: No. I can’t.
Phil: Why NOT? Go on just tell me!

And it went ON and ON and ON, until finally I couldn’t take it anymore and saaaiid…

Me: Okay, maybe I fancie YOU! But you have a girlfriend so it doesn’t matter.
Phil: No, you fancie James* don’tcha? Anyways I’m ugly.

James is a mate of mine whom is ALSO in my art class, I have never went out with him, I don’t see him that way so I have NO idea what made Phil think this…

Me: Ew! No I DON’T! He’s my mate and that’s all! You aren’t ugly, you’re kinda hott.

Oh how SMOOOTH am I? Uh NOT!
The conversation continued until I was forced off the comp at like ten o’clock, even though it was a Friday… And I’d started to REALLY regret what I’d said, since he hadn’t said anything BACK to hint that he liked me back. Tiff comforted me during our nightly chat, insisting that everyone in our art class knew he fancied me. I was NOT convinced.

Logging onto MSN the next morning after returning home from being dragged to my grans house where I was harrassed by five year olds, an offline message popped up.

Phil: Kez, I don’t know why you would like me, I’m an ugly mess and a screw up.          And you’re perfect..but..I love you xxx

Think he came on a little strongly? NO! I was thrilled! He was all I had wanted for MONTHS! MONTHS! FINALLY!

But then as I told Tiff the good news, she pointed out something that would set my life up for what has happened now.

“What about his girlfriend?”

As me and Phil got talking, I realised just how deep my feelings had grown for him, and he would come up with seriously sweet things to say…which I still have a suspicion that they came from Google..but it’s the thought that counts right?

We went on to have this secret relationship, didn’t do much except chat since neither me nor him have much of a social life to speak of, no one really does in Lisburn (where I live, funnily enough) and our interests were quite different: He liked footie, I didn’t..he was a master gamer, I just shot blindly and hoped everyone would go away…he listened to hard core rave, I prefer ROCK music. But somehow we still managed to be together, despite the fact that he constantly insisted I either fancied someone else and was too good for him, and that my darling twin wanted to break his leg (so did my other friends for that matter).

Everyone who knew about my ‘dirty little secret’ with Phil insisted that he was using me, and I admit…I did and still do sorta wonder if he was just playing games. But our feelings grew into love, deep/firey/burning/uncontrollable love and it got to the point that I couldn’t even LOOK at him without smiling!

But Phil didn’t smile that much at all…

My favourite thing in the world, was being with him and when I was away from him or couldn’t contact him, it really was lonely for me…people just didn’t understand how I felt about him, insisting I should get out whilst I still could, before I got hurt.

He promised he’d never hurt me. Ever. And I believed him.

The the Lord Mayors Parade happened.
I had sorta blown off some mates to be with Pip that day, one of the many sacrifices that I had made for him, course he hadn’t done the same for me.

Arriving HALF AN HOUR LATE, I was about to leave and he walked RIGHT PAST ME! I was furious, but for some stupid reason I stayed and waited…then he appeared, muttering excuses about having things to do whilst we left for the town square. He wanted to find a friend, we did so, and suddenly it turned into a threesome *rolls eyes* I liked and still do like the guy Chad* who was with us, he was fun to be with and Phil got on really, really well with him. Course this meant that I got pushed out..like..ALOT. I felt a bit fed up, until Chad decided to go on a ride in the theme park that is set up in Wallace Park, EVERY. SINGLE. BLOODY. YEAR. (!) And me and Phil went for ‘walkies’ to do er..couple things  until Chad was finished and suspicious of why we were both (well more me, Phil isn’t a happy guy) suddenly all smiley.

We waited about ten minutes, until Chad got destracted by some skinny wimps beating the shit out of eachother at an amateur boxing..thing, and then after spending a few dreary minutes making fun of the boxers, me and Phil did some pretty serious ‘couple stuff’ in the middle of a huge crowd, and NO ONE NOTICED! I’d never done anything like what we’d done before, so I wasn’t used to it, but I was okay and ended up drunk on lurrrrve <3 I still can’t believe that no one noticed…it was the best day of my LIFE!

Course, all good things must come to an end, right?

At the end of the day, we kissed goodbye and I walked home (much to Chad’s distaste..he worries too much that something will happen to a small girl like me…but HA I’d feel sorry for anyone who TRIED to grab me!) I got home and went on MSN, immediately messages popped up from Phil.

Phil: Hey
Me: Hiya
Phil: Enjoy 2day?
Me: Hell yeah
Phil: I don’t think we should see eachother as BF/GF anymore.

Okay, WHAT THE HELL?! I told him I love him face-to-face for the FIRST time that day and then..THIS!

Me: Why?
Phil: Cus Chad told my gf, and now I feel guilty. We can still cuddle..etc..as friends.

I know I know, I should have just told him where to go right?
But…
I just couldn’t do it! He had become SO special to me and I just couldn’t let him go…
Yeah I know, I’m a stupid asshole.. I know..
And it’s true.

So then his girl started Beboing me, finding the comments that we had sent eachother and giving it the whole ‘woe is me’ act, she had every right to do it too.
But Phil stopped talking to me the second she contacted me.
I think he blocked me on msn too.

Great. Now this all leaves me alone.

(To be continued folks! Being forced off by MAAATHER..)