Me+Marc=Seemingly THE perfect couple.

Yeah we got together in the end, and it was NOT a pretty process, Phil found out and went literally MAD, sending me abusive emails, IM’s (blocked him) with threats and insults gallore inside them! He’s been doing the same too Marc too, course when he sees him he acts all nice again…he ignores me when he sees me.

In an email he claimed to be the only one who ever ‘loved’ me, yeah, bit too late now huh?
Okay I admitt it, I AM heartbroken over that guy, things ended VERY ugly…three words: ‘whore’ ‘fucking’ and ‘liar’. Nice, real nice. So I am really meant to believe that a guy who supposedly loved me would write things like that? Ha..don’t think so!

So yeah, people seem pretty happy bout the whole me et Marc thing, I’m happy too..we get on really well! Great mates.
Mates.
I admitt I DO fancie him, which helps…plus he’s more than I could ask for, absolutely THE most amazing boyfriend ever.
But I can’t even ENJOY this since I’m just still so hurt….
Marc’s mate (who really fancies me) is angry at him too, really angry…and it makes me feel SO guilty!  I mean I don’t exactly believe that I am worth him losing friends over! I AM NOT! But I really like Marc. And he seems to like me.

Ugh, everything goes from one thing to another doesn’t it? And what do both the situations have in COMMON? Jealousy.

Got some mock-mock exam results, they don’t seem too bad so I can just about hold off the suicide for a while, then did my mock-mock-art exam, three hours long..jeez. I thought that was a BIT extensive for a time allowance, but it turns out it was just enough time, since we got a 15 minute break after the first hour which no one expected. I got quite into it, which was a relief since Phil was sitting across the room and I needed something to keep my focus… no we didn’t talk or anything. That’s sorta the problem.

He STILL seems to think I fancie a mate of mine and frankly it is seriously starting to piss me off, the second I got home he started interogating me.

Phil: I see you like J and want him, yeah?
Me: no
Phil: you DO want him
Me: I don’t, he’s a friend..that’s ALL.
Phil: No you love him and want him, I can see it
Me: No I don’t, I could never love him. And I definately don’t want him, that’s sickening.
Phil:I suppose sitting beside him in art , talking n talking , lauging and smiling at him isnt meaning you love him ? You stared at him all the time, but dnt worry you can have him and I’ll be outa ya life soon don’t worry tho.

Ughhh! Come ON! I do NOT fancie him! And Phil was facing AWAY from me for most of the exam! He’s always jumping to conclusions.. why should HE care anyway?! HE has his GIRLFRIEND!

Oh great, now I’m hungry…better go drown my sorrows in chocolate and comfort eat.

No..must..resist! I’ll just keep typing to destract myself.. hmm mm mmm…

Marc has been AWESOME lately, he seems to be the only one who can actually cheer me up and forget everything that’s been going on. But I need to keep in mind that I’m on the rebound right now..so any decisions made have to be thought over.

Then again, everyone is telling me to go for it!

But I don’t even think I DO fancie him, he’s a great, amazin’ guy and all..but I think I just see him as a good mate. I don’t even know anymore! 

Got up and did my calculator maths exam today, I only do the foundation paper, and I could have done well in it..had I have actually revised and TRIED. But I couldn’t be assed doing such trivial things as Mock-mock examinations. I mean who created such a stupid thing?! My report is gonna royally suck this year.. and I care a little, but can’t force any more emotion towards it than that.

At least it’s good to know that I am not alone in failing maths, the dude I sit beside, Marc* is also screwed…as we never pay attention in that class and pretty much do ANYTHING random to pass the time. Doesn’t help that most of the other people in my class are braindead morons who give our teacher a rough time and just text the whole lesson…

So yeah, I’m fucked. 

Got home an hour later and went online, Phil was on after about half an hour..didn’t expect him to talk to me, but he did. We sorted a few things out, found out he DOESN’T hate me, although he thinks I hate him and didn’t like the things we did together (Lies all lies!) then as I went off because I had to scoot back to the hell hole known as school for my English Liturature exam, he said “Okay, cya <3″ THE LOVE HEART MUST MEAN SOMETHING!!!!  < er…RIGHT?!

Pretty much failed my English Liturature exam, my head just was NOT in the game *shudders* 

Hmm, well Phil seems to be talking to me again. Didn’t go too well, somehow he’s gotten badly hurt (My conclusion is that he got jumped maybe?) Told me all about his new air-rifle..oh and how he could use it to end his life if he wanted to or if I wanted him to after all he’s done to me, nice.

For some reason, he INSISTS that he’s holding me back. Err..holding me back from WHAT might I ask? Hell without him I don’t have much to get me up in the morning, and I’m pessimistic enough to ADMITT that!
And try as I might to tell him this, he won’t believe that he is actually HELPING me move forwards with my life. I have some major trust issues, especially when it comes to boys..when I’m with them I won’t let them touch me..just ugh no touchie!
And of course this usually leads to the death of said relationship.

But it was..DIFFERENT with Phil, I LIKED being with him, I LOVED being close to him, and cuddling with him was just amazing, I don’t get hugged alot (yeah yeah poor me) infact, I don’t usually get hugged at ALL, or shown any affection, especially at home. But then HE came along…

In the end I got just SO frustrated with him that I blurted out all about an asshole of an ex-boyfriend whom I had been in love with for FOUR YEARS, even though he messed me around something shockin’!  And here, my friends, was Phil’s reply.

Phil: Shit…
Phil: I g2g now, might cya and ttyl.
Me: Okay, cya.

And then..I chanced it.

Me: I still love you xxxx

No response. He went offline. Dammit.
So now I’m wonderin’ what the HELL I am doing! Does he like me anymore?! His reactions are sorta pointing to the answer I least want to hear.

HELP!  

Yeah so almost completed all of my exams, studied for exactly NONE.

Well what can you expect? I haven’t been able to get Phil out of my head! He hasn’t talked to me since saturday, it’s Monday now. I know it’s only like a day bu-

Omg.. FINALLY! HE’S TALKING TO ME!

As if it’ll make a difference.. I’m not his girl. SHE is.

Yeah so I’ve just started this blog since I figured I needed another creative outlet, since my parents were startin’ to get a LIL pissy about all the pages I’ve been leaving around the house with my doodlies on them.  Dum di dum dum…

Up until about a month ago, I never really had much of a ‘love life’ I dunno guys always went for my twin sister, Tiff*. She’s got model looks and that’s not even me exagerating. Hell I look like her, but the no-make-up/messy-hair/boy-clothes/tomboy type…and she’s the opposite, as girlie as can be and loving it! (Seems her admirers love it too).

But then, Phil* came along.

I just started my GCSE year of school, and being an ‘art-freak’ I of COURSE picked art! We got separated into two art classes, and I got into one with all my mates (who are all ex-boyfriends too) plus Tiff, and a female friend called Rachel*. More the majority of the year we didn’t pay much attention to the three guys and one er..girl (?) no one knew, and that was fine since they all stuck with eachother.

But then our art class had to paint the scenery for the school play, which was ‘High School Musical’ I REALLY hate that movie! And as if that wasn’t bad enough, I was IN it! As Kelsi Neilson, some wee piana chick who sucks up to everyone and takes all the credit at the end…yeah it’s just cus I’m SHORT!

So anyway, whilst we had many adventures painting the scenery (I’ll update ya’ll on them if asked to) I kept getting thrown together with Phil, and we SERIOUSLY got our flirts on!!! The flirting continued for seriously months (sad. I know) and I found out from..erm..Emma* (The one who we weren’t sure if she was a guy or not) filled me in on him, and..dun dun dunnn..his GIRLFRIEND.

I didn’t believe he HAD one until I asked the man himself, course turns out he was telling the truth, but I saw no harm in flirting since sources told me that it was an ONLINE girl he had going!  Thus not a reaaal girlfriend..well okay..not really.

NOW, skip a few months on.

Sitting at home on MSN, a message popped up from Phil.

Phil: Kez, who do you fancie?
Me: Why?
Phil: Just tell me.
Me: No. I can’t.
Phil: Why NOT? Go on just tell me!

And it went ON and ON and ON, until finally I couldn’t take it anymore and saaaiid…

Me: Okay, maybe I fancie YOU! But you have a girlfriend so it doesn’t matter.
Phil: No, you fancie James* don’tcha? Anyways I’m ugly.

James is a mate of mine whom is ALSO in my art class, I have never went out with him, I don’t see him that way so I have NO idea what made Phil think this…

Me: Ew! No I DON’T! He’s my mate and that’s all! You aren’t ugly, you’re kinda hott.

Oh how SMOOOTH am I? Uh NOT!
The conversation continued until I was forced off the comp at like ten o’clock, even though it was a Friday… And I’d started to REALLY regret what I’d said, since he hadn’t said anything BACK to hint that he liked me back. Tiff comforted me during our nightly chat, insisting that everyone in our art class knew he fancied me. I was NOT convinced.

Logging onto MSN the next morning after returning home from being dragged to my grans house where I was harrassed by five year olds, an offline message popped up.

Phil: Kez, I don’t know why you would like me, I’m an ugly mess and a screw up.          And you’re perfect..but..I love you xxx

Think he came on a little strongly? NO! I was thrilled! He was all I had wanted for MONTHS! MONTHS! FINALLY!

But then as I told Tiff the good news, she pointed out something that would set my life up for what has happened now.

“What about his girlfriend?”

As me and Phil got talking, I realised just how deep my feelings had grown for him, and he would come up with seriously sweet things to say…which I still have a suspicion that they came from Google..but it’s the thought that counts right?

We went on to have this secret relationship, didn’t do much except chat since neither me nor him have much of a social life to speak of, no one really does in Lisburn (where I live, funnily enough) and our interests were quite different: He liked footie, I didn’t..he was a master gamer, I just shot blindly and hoped everyone would go away…he listened to hard core rave, I prefer ROCK music. But somehow we still managed to be together, despite the fact that he constantly insisted I either fancied someone else and was too good for him, and that my darling twin wanted to break his leg (so did my other friends for that matter).

Everyone who knew about my ‘dirty little secret’ with Phil insisted that he was using me, and I admit…I did and still do sorta wonder if he was just playing games. But our feelings grew into love, deep/firey/burning/uncontrollable love and it got to the point that I couldn’t even LOOK at him without smiling!

But Phil didn’t smile that much at all…

My favourite thing in the world, was being with him and when I was away from him or couldn’t contact him, it really was lonely for me…people just didn’t understand how I felt about him, insisting I should get out whilst I still could, before I got hurt.

He promised he’d never hurt me. Ever. And I believed him.

The the Lord Mayors Parade happened.
I had sorta blown off some mates to be with Pip that day, one of the many sacrifices that I had made for him, course he hadn’t done the same for me.

Arriving HALF AN HOUR LATE, I was about to leave and he walked RIGHT PAST ME! I was furious, but for some stupid reason I stayed and waited…then he appeared, muttering excuses about having things to do whilst we left for the town square. He wanted to find a friend, we did so, and suddenly it turned into a threesome *rolls eyes* I liked and still do like the guy Chad* who was with us, he was fun to be with and Phil got on really, really well with him. Course this meant that I got pushed out..like..ALOT. I felt a bit fed up, until Chad decided to go on a ride in the theme park that is set up in Wallace Park, EVERY. SINGLE. BLOODY. YEAR. (!) And me and Phil went for ‘walkies’ to do er..couple things  until Chad was finished and suspicious of why we were both (well more me, Phil isn’t a happy guy) suddenly all smiley.

We waited about ten minutes, until Chad got destracted by some skinny wimps beating the shit out of eachother at an amateur boxing..thing, and then after spending a few dreary minutes making fun of the boxers, me and Phil did some pretty serious ‘couple stuff’ in the middle of a huge crowd, and NO ONE NOTICED! I’d never done anything like what we’d done before, so I wasn’t used to it, but I was okay and ended up drunk on lurrrrve <3 I still can’t believe that no one noticed…it was the best day of my LIFE!

Course, all good things must come to an end, right?

At the end of the day, we kissed goodbye and I walked home (much to Chad’s distaste..he worries too much that something will happen to a small girl like me…but HA I’d feel sorry for anyone who TRIED to grab me!) I got home and went on MSN, immediately messages popped up from Phil.

Phil: Hey
Me: Hiya
Phil: Enjoy 2day?
Me: Hell yeah
Phil: I don’t think we should see eachother as BF/GF anymore.

Okay, WHAT THE HELL?! I told him I love him face-to-face for the FIRST time that day and then..THIS!

Me: Why?
Phil: Cus Chad told my gf, and now I feel guilty. We can still cuddle..etc..as friends.

I know I know, I should have just told him where to go right?
But…
I just couldn’t do it! He had become SO special to me and I just couldn’t let him go…
Yeah I know, I’m a stupid asshole.. I know..
And it’s true.

So then his girl started Beboing me, finding the comments that we had sent eachother and giving it the whole ‘woe is me’ act, she had every right to do it too.
But Phil stopped talking to me the second she contacted me.
I think he blocked me on msn too.

Great. Now this all leaves me alone.

(To be continued folks! Being forced off by MAAATHER..)